Things We Didn't Talk About When I Was a Girl: A Memoir by Jeannie Vanasco

Source

Published: October 1st, 2019 by Viking

Genre: Memoir, Nonfiction

Format: Hardcover, 360 pages, Library

Rating: 4.5 stars

Publisher's Summary:

Jeannie Vanasco has had the same nightmare since she was a teenager. She startles awake, saying his name. It is always about him: one of her closest high school friends, a boy named Mark. A boy who raped her.

When her nightmares worsen, Jeannie decides—after fourteen years of silence—to reach out to Mark. He agrees to talk on the record and meet in person. "It's the least I can do," he says.

Jeannie details her friendship with Mark before and after the assault, asking the brave and urgent question: Is it possible for a good person to commit a terrible act? Jeannie interviews Mark, exploring how rape has impacted his life as well as her own. She examines the language surrounding sexual assault and pushes against its confines, contributing to and deepening the #MeToo discussion.

Exacting and courageous, Things We Didn't Talk About When I Was a Girl is part memoir, part true-crime record, and part testament to the strength of female friendships—a recounting and reckoning that will inspire us to ask harder questions and interrogate our biases. Jeannie Vanasco examines and dismantles long-held myths of victimhood, discovering grace and power in this genre-bending investigation into the trauma of sexual violence.

My Thoughts:

I literally had to let this one percolate for awhile. It's been over a month since I read this. I wrote down all my thoughts right after so I wouldn't lose that but I just barely looked my notes over. This book was visceral. Vanasco writes in real-time her feelings about "Mark" and her reactions to their conversations. You cry, you yell, you're disgusted, and empathetic towards Mark all at the same time she is.

It tells a story of a larger cultural phenomenon-- we don't take care of our own. Ms. Vanasco was emotionally abused by her boyfriend in high school-- she was 14 and he was 18 when they started dating! She says her dad really liked him and so she figured his abusive nature was normal!

She always had a protective-type relationship with her father since he was 61 when he had her. He was more frail while she grew up and didn't want to cause any problems where he would feel his age and how he couldn't protect like he would want to. So she never felt like she could tell her parents her problems. Like when her high school journalism teacher was sexually harassing her and stalking her and no one cared--not the police, not friends, and she couldn't turn to her parents.

I feel like her story is how everyone in her life who was supposed to protect her and love her, didn't. I don't know if she meant to write about that but that's what I got from it. It's about Mark, her best friend, who raped her when she was drunk, but it's also about everyone else in her life who failed to protect her and support her when needed. That also translates into our culture of rape. Blame the victim, turn a blind eye when it's a loved one doing the abuse or someone in authority, or a beloved sports player, or that pillar of the community.

This is a book about working through trauma, recognizing it, and trying to find a way forward and asking society to look at how we treat our women. It's a punch to the gut and I recommend it for everyone.